


What Do I Have to Do to Make You Forgive Me

by teamfreeawesome



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, I'm so sorry, IT'S REALLY ANGSTY, Infidelity, Lots of Crying, M/M, Why did I do that?, and it has a mean zayn, i love zayn, like super angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 04:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn cheats on Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Do I Have to Do to Make You Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> Right. So. Yeah, this is basically 2,600 words of angst. It hurt me to write this, but write it I did. 
> 
> Anyway, huge thanks to [Alex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alexattherockshow) for the beta (especially since this was incredibly angsty and that's not really her thing *big hugs*)
> 
> Any mistakes you see will be mine (and they'll probably have happened when I was trying to format this beast).
> 
> I also apologise in advance for the abuse of italics and the over-use of commas. *hides*
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not true. It's a work of fiction and no harm was meant by the writing of this. To me: fanfiction One Direction are fictional characters. I don’t, in any way, equate the stories to their real-life counter parts, because they aren’t the same people. Also, please, nobody send this to anyone included in this fic or anyone that they know.
> 
> The title is taken from the Austra song 'Forgive Me'. To be honest, this was supposed to be a fic where Zayn cheats, like, multiple times and each time he does, Liam forgives him. Until he doesn't. But yeah. The boys didn't co-operate and this happened instead. Oops. 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated <3

Liam feels it like a kick to the belly, breath punched out of him instantly; and he’s left gasping and shaking, trying frantically to fill his lungs.

He feels his stomach drop - the world bottoming out beneath his feet - and white noise fills his ears like a rush of _empty_. Liam’s hands tremble, fingers clumsy as he clutches urgently at the phone in his grasp; and he’s hoping - hoping so desperately - that he’s got it _wrong_. Because he _wouldn’t_. He _wouldn’t_ do this. But his knees; they give out beneath him, knocking together as he slides to the floor, curling up as small as he can make himself, as small as he _feels._

“Alright, babe?” Zayn’s voice is loud; cheerful and unencumbered, and Liam doesn’t understand how he can still act like everything is _normal_ – not when Liam _knows_.

“Liam, hey, what’s going on?” Worry filters in, heavy and anxious. It trembles in Zayn’s voice as he rushes forward, arms already reaching for his Liam.  

“Li. Liam – talk to me. Are you okay, babe?”

And suddenly he’s _there_ , right in front of Liam; crouched down, brown eyes soft and concerned, level with Liam’s own. He’s feels a warm hand on his face, a thumb brushing softly across his cheek as Zayn leans in closer – tries to catch Liam’s eye. He gently tilts Liam’s head up, leans into him, presses a kiss to Liam’s forehead – and Liam couldn’t stop the tears if his life depended on it. He feels them trickle down his cheeks, bright and sharp in the muffle of hurt that clouds around him like a blanket.

“Sweetheart, oh god, _Liam_. You’ve got to tell me what’s going on. You’re worrying me.”

But Liam can’t do anything except shake his head; his chest tight with hurt and throat closed off with choked back sobs. He shrugs Zayn off, wipes desperately at the tears with the edge of his sweatshirt sleeve and turns his face away.

 “Liam. Liam, _please_.”

But Liam _hurts_ , feels the pain bubbling up and out in a choked sob - hears it break as it exits his mouth. He registers the panicked whimper as Zayn searches frantically for his phone, but Liam feels so broken, so _uneven_ that it’s all he can do to keep breathing.

“Li. Li, I’m going to text the boys, yeah. They’ll know what to do, Liam, right? Liam, _ple-_ ”

And Liam _tastes_ the moment that Zayn realises - and he can’t stop the sob that rises; the ache that throbs inside his chest, because Zayn’s not _denying_ it. He’s just sitting there – and it wasn’t real before, not really, but _now_. Now it is. Because Zayn’s sprawled in front of him, eyes wide and mouth open – but it’s not shock marring his features, it’s _guilt_.

And Liam. Liam can’t take it anymore; can’t hold it in any longer. He gathers his strength, pulls the heartbreak inwards and holds it tight; he locks it up, wipes his eyes and stands; breathes slowly and brushes past the shock of Zayn on the floor. He tries not to run to the kitchen, but it’s hard – it _hurts_ and he needs to get _away_. Away from the sight and sound and _feel_ of his Zayn, of all that he loves, of all that he cherishes. Liam leans on the kitchen counter heavily and breathes deep. He can solve this. _They_ can solve this. It’s going to be fine – he’s _sure_.

But Liam. He hears the front door slam and he knows that Zayn has left – it can only be Zayn leaving. And it probably should have been him; Liam should have left – he’s the one hurting – but now he’s just alone in the house, broken, not knowing what to do. Liam doesn’t understand how this has happened – he thought they loved each other.  Without Zayn – without his _love_ for Zayn – Liam doesn’t know what he is anymore. Zayn is his everything, his _whole_ ; and now Liam is _nothing_ because Zayn thinks he’s nothing – has replaced him so easily. Liam’s surrounded by echoes of _fake_ and _pretend_ \- and it’s like he doesn’t even know how to breathe anymore. He can’t get enough air into his lungs and he’s trying and trying but he can’t _breathe_ because Zayn has left; Zayn has left and he doesn’t love Liam anymore and Liam

 _-_ he can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t _breathe_.

His hands tremble as they grip the counter and Liam _forces_ himself to inhale; fights and fights until the air goes down, not easily, but his lungs fill and his elbows give – and Liam’s torso is spread across the counter, his cheek cool against the marble; lungs heaving but _working_ and he’s not okay, but he’s not going to _die_.

So Liam makes himself stand back up; brings all of everything inwards and forces the trembling in his hands to ease. He holds tight to his heart, shoves the hurt deep, flips the switch on the kettle and - _breathes_.  

He sits at their kitchen table and grips tight to reality; thinks about Louis’ upcoming birthday party and the kind of cake that Liam needs to buy. He holds onto his empty mug and plans the balloons, the alcohol and the _smiles_ – because if he doesn’t then he’ll be back to thinking about _not good enough_ and _stupid_ and _ugly_. And it’s strange because Liam had been starting to believe that maybe him and Zayn, the two of them, weren't just this massive joke – that this kind, wonderful, brilliant, _clever_ boy could want _him_ ; want _Liam_ , of all people.

 

So it’s a shock, but also not _really_. Because Liam had been preparing for this; knew that no-one could _actually_ want him. He knew that it was probable that Zayn would leave him one day – but it’s _awful_. Because they’d been talking about _marriage_ and _forever_ – and Liam had started to _believe_ the kisses, the touches, the _love_ that he felt sheltered in every day. He thought that maybe he _did_ deserve it; believed that maybe he _was_ beautiful, just like Zayn told him – _affection_ and _tenderness_ whispered into Liam’s skin. But it all seems so _wrong_ now.

And Liam knows that jokes can be both funny and cruel – and maybe he’ll laugh years down the line – but right now? Right now it just _hurts_. He’s always been the butt of the joke, though. Knows that experience intimately. So he’ll fake a laugh, fake _okay_ – and when they all come round and giggle about Liam and _gullible_ and _hilarious_ , well. He’ll suck it up and he’ll laugh, because that’s all he know how to do. And if he goes home afterwards – if he falls into bed and sobs; phones his mum and howls, well. No-one will know.

Liam knows where his space is in the group; knows how he fits. And he’s not going cause a ruckus over nothing.

But Liam is just _tired_. He’s exhausted and all he wants to do is curl up in bed and pretend. So he flicks the kettle off and plans his pretend. One where Zayn loves him and they’re married, with a house full of sunshine and laughter; his garden beautiful and his children delightful. It’s nice. Sweet. And Liam pretends and pretends and sinks into sleep, hoping desperately that when he wakes up this will all have been a dream.

*

Liam wakes up to the slam of the front door and sit up sharply, his heart beating _ZaynZaynZaynZayn_.

But it’s not Zayn, it’s _not._ Because it’s Louis calling softly, voice cautious and tentative.

Liam must make a sound, because suddenly Louis is there in the room with him, face contorted with concern, arms outstretched. And he’s rushing to Liam, gathering him up – cradling him in his arms and that’s _worse_. Because suddenly Liam is letting go; turning his face into the crook of Louis’ neck and sobbing and sobbing until he can’t breathe – and there’s going to be spit and snot everywhere but he can’t stop, he _can’t_.

“Liam. Leemo. Oh, _love_.” Louis coos, hand rubbing Liam’s back as he tries to soothe the tears away.

“I ran here. Came over as soon as I heard from Harry. He punched Zayn, you know. With his little noodle arms – managed to leave a bruise as well. I was well proud of him. But Li, yeah, you know it’s not your fault, right?”

But Liam just shakes his head and sobs harder because _of course_ it was his fault. He should have been _better_ , fought _harder_ , and been _prettier_ , been _more_. But he _wasn’t_. So. There’s no use thinking about _should have_ anymore.

So Liam chokes the tears back and sits up, drags the corner of the duvet across his face, wipes his tear-stained face and takes a deep breath. Louis doesn’t need him crying all over him.

“Lou,” he says, and his voice is rough and broken. “I’m fine, yeah. Hazza didn’t need to punch him. He’s allowed – he’s, I mean, if I’m not enough, like -”

Louis’ face darkens, mouth pinching tighter with each word that Liam utters, so Liam halts, stutters – closes his mouth.

 “Well, you’re clearly _not_ fine, Liam. And I’m so angry with Zayn right now that it was probably best that it was Hazza that hit him and not me. And – ha, you! Not being enough. Liam, Li, _Leemo_. You deserve the _most_ , the _best_ of us all, and I thought that maybe that was Zayn. But it’s not and he doesn’t get to hurt you anymore. Harry’s holding him hostage at the flat right now.”

Liam feels Louis’ fingers digging into his arms, tighter with each word, bruising and strong – so Liam murmurs, nudges them, and Louis lets go instantly; expression apologetic. Liam closes his eyes and inhales, feels his chest loosen and lighten with Louis’ words – even if he doesn’t quite agree.

“I just -” he begins, fists clenched, not entirely sure that he really wants the answer to his question. “ _Why_?”

Liam hears Louis suck air in sharply, feels the shift of the bed as Louis leans forward.

“Liam. Liam, look at me. Whatever the ‘reason’ is, it’s not _good enough_. Nothing is ever a good enough excuse to cheat on you. _Nothing_.”

Liam shakes his head tightly, curls his fingers into the sheets, grasping tightly. His heart hurts and he doesn’t _agree_ , he _doesn’t_. Because it’s obvious that it’s something Liam’s done – or something he’s failed to do. But Louis sees his expression and frowns; he reaches out, grips his hand and smoothes it out, holds it tight.

“Liam -” he starts, before faltering as his phone begins to ring. The sound is harsh and alien after the quiet of before. Louis flicks a look of apology at Liam, before letting go of his hand and digging around in his pocket for the mobile. Yanking it out with a flourish, he presses ‘answer’ and holds it to his ear.

Liam tries not to listen – turns his head to look at Zayn’s clock on the wall – but Louis has always been loud, and now is no different.

“Hey Haz. Yeah. _What? -_ No. I hope you said no, Harry, because – What do you _mean_ you said yes? Oh for _goodness sake_. Look, put him on so I can have a good shout. Haven’t had one of them in a little while. Yeah.”

Louis eyes flick heavenward as he taps impatiently on his knee. Liam can feel his heart beating faster, heavier; knows that it’s Zayn that Louis’ waiting for.

“ _You!_ ” Louis shrieks, lip curling, voice a snarl.

Liam shifts forwards – wants to pull Louis away, save Zayn from his anger. Because it wasn’t Zayn. It was _Liam_ and if anyone should be shouted at – spurned and reviled - it should be _him_.  

“No, you listen to me, Malik. I don’t care what you have to say. I got here and he was crying. _Crying_. You made our Liam _cry_ and I just – whatever you have to say isn’t _good_ enough. You – No! I said _no_. Oh, Jesus – right, _fine_ , but if Liam sheds even _one_ tear because of you I’m going to kick you so hard -”

But Liam doesn’t let him finish his threat; he leans forward, plucks the phone from Louis’ unresisting grip and brings the phone up to his ear.  

“Zayn?” he says, voice wobbly.

“Babe?” Zayn says, tinny and weak through the headset.

Liam trembles and clutches desperately at Louis with his free hand; holds tight to him as he fights to speak.

 “Babe. Are you there? Li?”

“Yeah. Z-zayn. I’m here.”

Liam shivers at the relieved sigh that he gets in response.

“Oh, babe. _Liam_. I just – it was a _mistake_ , yeah. I love you Liam. So much, yeah? So much. I was – at that club. You know the one – with Niall. I was smashed, Li. Off my face. And it didn’t _mean_ anything Leemo. _Nothing_.”

And Liam allows himself, just for a second, to _believe_. But. It doesn’t last and he _can’t_. He loves Zayn but he _can’t_. Can’t pretend it’s okay; can’t pretend to believe that Zayn even loved him at all.

“But. You – I mean. Zayn. You texted her this morning. And – you, you were talking about – You were going to meet her and. She was talking about last night and you... you said you _loved_ her, Zayn.”

Liam can feel the tears starting up again and it’s _ridiculous_ – tears don’t solve anything. But he can’t stop them.

“Yeah. Yeah I did. But, _shit_ Li. I mean. I love _you_. You know I do.”

But that’s the thing. Because he’s doesn’t. Liam _knows_ he doesn’t, because how can you _love_ someone, but say you love someone else at the same time? It doesn’t work like that. It just _doesn’t_.

“Zayn.” Liam’s voice is thick with tears, broken and almost unintelligible. “You can’t _love_ two people at once. You _can’t_.”

And Zayn sighs, soft and exhausted on the other end. And that’s when Liam _knows._ He knows that it’s the end. But he holds on – hopes desperately that it’s not – and clutches at the promise of _‘only you, Liam’_.

“Liam. I – yeah. Yeah, okay. I just. I _want_ to keep loving you, Li. I _do._ But you’re – you’re never _here_ , yeah? You’re just so _hard_ to love. But I want to be your friend, Liam. Because I love you. I just don’t love you _enough_. I’m sorry, babe.”

The phone clicks, the call ends, and Liam. His heart breaks. It shatters and splinters and bleeds.

Because.

Liam _knew_ it was him. _Knew_ he wasn’t enough; wasn’t _good_ enough. But it’s hard to be told that he’s unlovable. Even if he _did_ know.

Liam trembles, releases Louis and turns his face away. He can’t look at him; knows Louis heard every word. But suddenly he’s being swept back into Louis' arms- hugged fiercely as he grapples with his heartbreak.

 “Liam,” Louis whispers into his hair. “Leemo. You are always enough. And anybody that tells you that you aren’t doesn’t _deserve_ you, or your love. Oh, _sweetheart_.”

He clutches Liam tighter, rocks him back and forth; and Liam feels the pain – the _emptiness_ , the _ache_ – catch in his throat. He thinks about Zayn. Zayn kissing this girl. Thinks about him coming home and sitting with Liam, singing with Liam, talking to Liam, kissing Liam, _loving_ Liam. But all whilst he’s thinking of someone else.

And Liam can’t. Louis’ telling him everything is going to be okay, but it’s _not_. It’s _not_. Because how _can_ it, when he’s not got his Zayn anymore? How can it, when the only thing that completes him, makes him whole, doesn’t want him anymore?

 

 

So, no. Liam doesn’t think he’s going to be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Um. 
> 
> 1\. I recognise polyamoury is a thing, but like, Liam doesn't here - so. End of relationship. *cries*  
> 2\. I cannot believe I wrote a mean Zayn. I love Zayn. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. The next thing I write is going to have _cute ___Zayn.  
>  3\. You can find me on Tumblr under the same username, if you would like :)


End file.
